From the outside looking in anyone would think the obvious. I’m beautiful with an amazing mind and a huge heart (once you get to know me) But beyond those looks and that sexy smile is something that few know…I’m incomplete. The one thing that I fear the most because of my losses and devastation of the ones before it: The comfort and security of a man.
The masculine presence that I desire is not just physical, its spiritual. To have that connection that only I share with that man. To look in his eyes and know without words everything that he feels for me is real, undoubted and not feared. That he can accept the intensity of me…not just when its convenient for him, but always. I’ve had that before but either fear of what’s known takes over or their confidence in knowing that they cannot fulfill my every desire causes them to either let me go or simply disappear. I’ve been told that it was done to spare my feelings and for me not to have a broken heart. Truth is, I love hard and long. If I see something in you that I admire, I pay attention. For me there is nothing like seeing the man I love enjoying his passions in life no matter what they are. If its your dream, I support it no matter how outlandish it may seem or impossible it may be to achieve. If I see the determination in you and the fire inside to succeed, I am your biggest admirer, supporter and cheerleader.
My outlook on life may be a little unorthodox to some but I long for that whole feeling. To know that the love I have is returned, acknowledged and praised in humbleness. At a point in my life I longed for that woman and man in my life to love equally. I may seem selfish to some in saying that “all I want is that ONE man and that ONE woman to complete me”. For a time I had that feeling, the love of two beings who I would walk through hell for. We were one and I set my life on being contented and contenting my soul mates. I felt it was my job to keep our love in perfect sync, to make the misunderstood clear, to resolve the issues that arose, to be the mediator and peacemaker. In all my efforts I had to realize that as much as I wanted it to work, it would not. Not by my doing but by theirs. So I chose to hold dear what I discovered in them as individuals. Again maybe it was selfish of me but I chose to hold on to both at whatever cost to the state of my sanity and my heart. I was already damaged and if this was my last chance to heal I would go “all in” and make it so. It made me be secretive and tell lies to hold on to what I kept most dear. Had I become that desperate to be content? For the love I sought and the love I found to be two different people who gave me equal joy confused and elated me at the same time. I’ve learned a lot in this 2 year process that I would never trade the lessons for any other. At my weakest, I became stronger. At my best, I was broken in a million pieces…but I survived it.
I feel that its time for me to stop looking for that wholeness, that completion. I’ve touched it so many times and each one its slipped from my grasp. I’ve gotten glimpses into the windows of what could be in others whose lives went in other directions. Had moments with someone who already had another holding the title I longed to have in their lives. I’ve been picked up and let down. Mended and broken all by the same person. Embraced, adored, fantasized about and left solitaire all by the hands of one. Let go of to find the fulfillment I sought when the hesitation of forever set in. I’ve been loved from afar, and pushed away by those close. I’ve been ignored when my presence became too much to handle, but when I’m longed for, I get the definition without words of their innermost feelings. I’ve submitted to love’s devices and been broken down by love’s rejection. I have given myself to emotional exhaustion, died on the inside but never let it show until now. Still only a few see that vulnerable state in me and it leaves them silent and in prayer that I never have to feel that way again.
I should be cold and heartless. Be the person that throws away love because it’s thrown me away so many times…but my nature won’t let me. The nurturer and empath in me won’t let me be that way. So I build up an artificial wall for the world and when I’m alone, I break it down and remain weak and vulnerable only to myself. I will no longer allow anyone to see me be that fragile…
Until he is my husband…I will never bare my soul to another man. He will only have my actions to refer to in order to discover my true feelings. Because I believe my purpose in life is to show a man what he needs in a woman: Caring, comfort, nurturing, passion, support, understanding and what unconditional love really means. When I become too intense they back away or simply find a way out and the next woman they encounter, reaps all the lessons I taught and she will have him “til death”. Even if they do not last, because I have set the standard, I am what they long for, but because of the scars they’ve placed on my heart, they never return. I’m not conceited…I’m not high on myself. I just know that I am capable of love and I have and from what I am told about myself I have loved like no other. I take pride in that and then I’m bewildered at the questions that have been repeated many times: “if I was all of that to you, why did you let me go? Why didn’t you say something?” Sometimes I get an answer that leaves me more confused, sometimes, I get silence. So I ask no more.
I am on the path to completion…and I will receive the treasure that I seek…when God is ready for me to receive it. Until then, I pray for continued faith, patience and sanity.
I wait.
