Just Maybe...

WRITTEN SIMPLY BECAUSE THIS IS HOW I'VE FELT FOR QUITE SOMETIME NOW. ITS AS HONEST AND AS REAL AS I CAN BE ABOUT HOW THE EVENTS OF THE PAST FEW MONTHS HAS MADE ME FEEL.

I've come to the concusion they're all gone for a reason...
They say some are there for a lifetime,
but i guess they were all around for a season
I guess I was too much for them to handle
I guess my mouth was too flip
Maybe I was just a little too real
'Cause I figured honesty was best
I owned up to my bad deals
Didn't let nobody walk over me and actually...
Actually give a f*ck about how someone feels.
Maybe if I was just a little bit colder
Went only for self
Did what the hell I wanted and said f*ck everyone else
Maybe if I treat every man like dirt
Drain their pockets dry
If I treat 'em like toys
Get bored with 'em and throw them to the side
If I stole all my girl's men
or simply f*cked em behind their backs
Treated everyone else like they've treated me
or just got conceited as all get out and said
"F*ck it...i'm Dee!"
Then I'd have just as many real friends as my Facebook account
walk in a room and make every man's tongue fall out
have all the women jealous but they'd say it to my face
but at the same time trying to mock my style and grace.
Maybe if i didn't give a f*ck they'd all give a f*ck about me.
But I don't want to be like them...I love being Just Dee!

Passing on the Brainstorm

Taken from My "Mother" Carla:
The 7 Deadly Sins... 
Day 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself. 
Day 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet. 
Day 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off. 
Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5 - Greed. Seven worldly material desires. 
Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures. 
Day 7 - Lust. Seven love secrets

NO REGRETS

In the past when storms rose...

I walked away

When the dust settled...

Apologies were said

Resolutions made...

Friendships declared solid

Things were better...or so it seemed

But undercover games still played

And the drama began again

I rehashed all the lies...

Not just yours but mine

No matter how hard you try

Somethings don’t get better with time

The aftermath...

Time passed.Why are you talking to me now?
I cut some people off wether my fuck up or theirs.
Not caring to let them back in my life
Matter of fact I won't
Lessons learned...
Bridges Burned...
No return.

Why are you talking to me now?
I cut people off whether the fuck up was mine or ours

Now you wonder how I am?

Best believe me I’m fine...
Never better...
Happy as ever...
Content with my crazy life...

Went through my share of stormy weather

Made it through

Came out better

After all you brought me through

And with my clearer point of view

I’ve come to the conclusion

My last concern is you...

Everything is suddenly clearer

No longer a victim of selfishness

I’m locking the revolving door

Friendship for us is no more.

Hesitation of letting you back in my life
After weighing the pros and cons

I can’t take the backstabbing

Side conversations and lies

So to save myself from impending murder

I won’t abuse myself any further

Lessons learned...
Bridges Burned...
No return.

Submission (an erotic tale)

Last night I played around

And I didn’t give in

So tonight, I find myself wrists bound

In your den of sin.

The crime? Not cumming

You pulled out all the stops

Touched all my spots

Still I wouldn’t erupt…

It tied your ego in knots

I admit I held back even when I scratched

And wrapped my legs around your back

I stuttered and shuddered, but still

that’s not the way you wanted me to react

So tonight you have me tied,

Silk covering my eyes,

Take me…Break me…

I want you to

Daddy… make me cry.

I’m bent over and pinned

Let the sweet torture begin

Saying no isn’t an option

I must do what I’m told

My desires are null and void

You have total control

I’m yours to be had,

With every thrust of your shaft

You reassure me you’re the man

That this yoni is yours

And no man will surpass.

I let you tattoo your name on it

Stand up in it and take claim of it

You drink of my nectar

Satisfying your appetite

I take in your honey…

Simultaneous delight.

My tears are of pain and sheer delight

Now I know that you’re mine

So when you ask its no lie,

I’m yours forever bound to you for life.

I submit.

The State of My Heart (as of 5-29-10)

From the outside looking in anyone would think the obvious. I’m beautiful with an amazing mind and a huge heart (once you get to know me) But beyond those looks and that sexy smile is something that few know…I’m incomplete.  The one thing that I fear the most because of my losses and devastation of the ones before it: The comfort and security of a man.

The masculine presence that I desire is not just physical, its spiritual. To have that connection that only I share with that man. To look in his eyes and know without words everything that he feels for me is real, undoubted and not feared. That he can accept the intensity of me…not just when its convenient for him, but always. I’ve had that before but either fear of what’s known takes over or their confidence in knowing that they cannot fulfill my every desire causes them to either let me go or simply disappear.  I’ve been told that it was done to spare my feelings and for me not to have a broken heart. Truth is, I love hard and long. If I see something in you that I admire, I pay attention.  For me there is nothing like seeing the man I love enjoying his passions in life no matter what they are. If its your dream, I support it no matter how outlandish it may seem or impossible it may be to achieve. If I see the determination in you and the fire inside to succeed, I am your biggest admirer, supporter and cheerleader.

My outlook on life may be a little unorthodox to some but I long for that whole feeling. To know that the love I have is returned, acknowledged and praised in humbleness. At a point in my life I longed for that  woman and man in my life to love equally. I may seem selfish to some in saying that “all I want is that ONE man and that ONE woman to complete me”. For a time I had that feeling, the love of two beings who I would walk through hell for. We were one and I set my life on being contented and contenting my soul mates.  I felt it was my job to keep our love in perfect sync, to make the misunderstood clear, to resolve the issues that arose, to be the mediator and peacemaker.  In all my efforts I had to realize that as much as I wanted it to work, it would not. Not by my doing but by theirs. So I chose to hold dear what I discovered in them as individuals. Again maybe it was selfish of me but I chose to hold on to both at whatever cost to the state of my sanity and my heart. I was already damaged and if this was my last chance to heal I would go “all in” and make it so. It made me be secretive and tell lies to hold on to what I kept most dear. Had I become that desperate to be content? For the love I sought and the love I found to be two different people who gave me equal joy confused and elated me at the same time. I’ve learned a lot in this 2 year process that I would never trade the lessons for any other. At my weakest, I became stronger. At my best, I was broken in a million pieces…but I survived it.

I feel that its time for me to stop looking for that wholeness, that completion. I’ve touched it so many times and each one its slipped from my grasp. I’ve gotten glimpses into the windows of what could be in others whose lives went in other directions. Had moments with someone who already had another holding the title I longed to have in their lives. I’ve been picked up and let down. Mended and broken all by the same person.  Embraced, adored, fantasized about and left solitaire all by the hands of one. Let go of to find the fulfillment I sought when the hesitation of forever set in. I’ve been loved from afar, and pushed away by those close. I’ve been ignored when my presence became too much to handle, but when I’m longed for, I get the definition without words of their innermost feelings. I’ve submitted to love’s devices and been broken down by love’s rejection. I have given myself to emotional exhaustion, died on the inside but never let it show until now. Still only a few see that vulnerable state in me and it leaves them silent and in prayer that I never have to feel that way again.

I should be cold and heartless. Be the person that throws away love because it’s thrown me away so many times…but my nature won’t let me. The nurturer and empath in me won’t let me be that way. So I build up an artificial wall for the world and when I’m alone, I break it down and remain weak and vulnerable only to myself. I will no longer allow anyone to see me be that fragile…

Until he is my husband…I will never bare my soul to another man. He will only have my actions to refer to in order to discover my true feelings. Because I believe my purpose in life is to show a man what he needs in a woman: Caring, comfort, nurturing, passion, support, understanding and what unconditional love really means. When I become too intense they back away or simply find a way out and the next woman they encounter, reaps all the lessons I taught and she will have him “til death”. Even if they do not last, because I have set the standard, I am what they long for, but because of the scars they’ve placed on my heart, they never return. I’m not conceited…I’m not high on myself. I just know that I am capable of love and I have and from what I am told about myself I have loved like no other. I take pride in that and then I’m bewildered at the questions that have been repeated many times: “if I was all of that to you, why did you let me go? Why didn’t you say something?” Sometimes I get an answer that leaves me more confused, sometimes, I get silence. So I ask no more.

I am on the path to completion…and I will receive the treasure that I seek…when God is ready for me to receive it. Until then, I pray for continued faith, patience and sanity.

I wait.

"UNTITLED"

In that picture I look happy,

Like nothing is wrong…

Like love is the melody

And springtime is the song.

But that’s just an image of a moment in time

A moment of peace in a place built by sorrow

A mask for the fear and and uncertain tomorrow.

Like clouds cover sun rays

Heartache darkens my joy

I let the tears of pain fall down

Like water onto the soil

When the sun returns it nurtures

And makes love grow

Until darkness comes again

And my heart’s death is slow

You may think I’m hard on myself

Or I’ve given up hope

Regardless of that this is what you must always know:

My smile is a disguise...my laughter is a cover.

for the pain inside caused by love gone asunder

but if it brightens your day, it puts a little light in mine.

If you make me do one of the two consider yourself my little ray of sunshine.